So my new job lasted a grand total of two days. I can’t
really get into what happened with the whole thing, because I honestly don’t
know what happened. What I do know is that there was legal shit going on and I
don’t have to be apart of it. So that is fine by me.
So the job hunt is back on, but because I changed my schedule
for my other job, I have pretty much all next week off. Which is fine I guess,
but I’m not sure what to do.
The other big problem is, well, I’m still waiting on my Medicaid
card so I can get my meds. I’m almost down to a two week supply, and then I
have nothing. Nothing to keep my brain straight and I really don’t want to ask
my parents for money. I want to an adult, and not cry to my parents when I need
stuff.
Things have been crazy, but I’m not really sure how to put
them into words. There is something that is in the back of my mind.
I had an ex-friend contact me to find out how I was doing.
And I realize how angry I still am at them.
I feel like that it wasn’t a reaching out to see how I was doing, but
more of, a water testing to see how I’m doing so he could weasel back in. You
don’t ever tell anyone that you can be friends with them when they are health.
Not with a disorder like this, because of one simple fact- I will never stop
being bipolar, which means I will never be “health” per se. I’m sick, and it is
chronic. That shit just doesn’t disappear. I don’t think my reaction was what
he was expecting, I think he honestly thought that I was going to be excite to
hear from him, or that I was still the mess that I was when he knew me.
Honestly, you can’t abandon someone in their hour of need
and think that you can just come back into in later like nothing happened. No
apologize no nothing. Just like you didn’t make a shitty choice and cut that
person deep.
Now I am not really sure how to put into words everything
that happened, but to make a long story short (Too late), I got triggered and shit went down, epically.
And I took responsibility for my actions, because I did over react. I was the
only person to do so. I was the one who was really sick, raw, and animalistic.
And I would be the first person to admit that. I never hid that fact, but
people in the situation acted like I did.
So there I was, the fresh from the hospital and a suicide
attempt, losing my best friends. It was a shit situation, and I honestly will
admit it still hurts. But I know that they can’t make it back in, as it will
only blow up the same way. And that is really a shame.
Now I don’t think he, R, understand what he did. I think he
think he does, which is why I believe me reaction of shutting him out was
surprising. But he forgot one fact about me:
When I say something, I fucking mean it. I told him he didn’t
get to come back, when he abandon me. That he took my word of, we aren’t
friends any more, when I was spinning and all kind of fucked up, because his
friend, E, pressed every button, including tell me that I wasn’t worth
investing in, and that everything that had happened to me as a child was shit I
should just get over, because bad things happen, while in the same breath
saying that because he loved my (ex) Friend, S, and she need to be protected
from me. Someone who deals with the same issues as me, was allowed to use that as an excuse to keep me out.
 |
| To E, with love. Well, with Hate I guess. But yea, fuck you if you are reading this. |
Did I mention that this was over a D&D game that I
wanted to leave and his wife cornered me for 4 fours, in the early morning, to
talk to me about why a decision was made, when it didn’t matter, I had left?
Because of a game were one rolls dice, I lost two friends. My best friends.
Because, I can only guess, S was scared of me, because it was hard for her to
deal with the idea that her ‘Strong’ Friend was falling apart. And that seeing
how deep things were going for me, that she need to avoid me. S, well, like R,
seemed to use my attempt as a way for themselves to play the victim. I don’t
think they set out to do this, but it is more of a product to protect
themselves. S, saw how bad my anger could get when I told her not to come and
get involved because I knew she would run off, began to avoid me. Everyone made
excuses for her, but the fact is that she was avoiding me. And what made it
more fucked up, is she was going around saying how much she missed me, and she
would ignore my calls. The sad truth is I think she keep me out of the game for
her own selfish reason. She was important in this role play, and in the one we
played together, I was. I was because C, who was running it, said you become
important if you play the character. That he rewarded your role playing. And I
role played, she didn’t. And I guess she had a problem with it. And I played
bratty and bitchy characters, and she took that out of the game, so in a sense,
I was punished because I played fucking characters. Which is a big whatever to me
at this point.
So, this is to R, if he reads this. I would have been more
willing to hear you out if you have the balls, to, in short, be a fucking adult
and take responsibility. I would have spoken with you if you had done that, if
you had taken ownership of your actions. I would have been more willing to look
at healing our relationship. But the fact of the matter is you didn’t. You
pretended you didn’t block me, which the joke is on you, I know you did. You
blocked me after our last conversation.
I didn’t block you other account. I honestly don’t know why, but I
expect you wouldn’t be the last one to contact me from my past. If you want to
have an adult conversation about everything, I’m a little more open to that,
but no promises.
-Skadi
