Honesty will fuck you ever time

So my new job lasted a grand total of two days. I can’t really get into what happened with the whole thing, because I honestly don’t know what happened. What I do know is that there was legal shit going on and I don’t have to be apart of it. So that is fine by me.

So the job hunt is back on, but because I changed my schedule for my other job, I have pretty much all next week off. Which is fine I guess, but I’m not sure what to do.

The other big problem is, well, I’m still waiting on my Medicaid card so I can get my meds. I’m almost down to a two week supply, and then I have nothing. Nothing to keep my brain straight and I really don’t want to ask my parents for money. I want to an adult, and not cry to my parents when I need stuff.

Things have been crazy, but I’m not really sure how to put them into words. There is something that is in the back of my mind.

I had an ex-friend contact me to find out how I was doing. And I realize how angry I still am at them.  I feel like that it wasn’t a reaching out to see how I was doing, but more of, a water testing to see how I’m doing so he could weasel back in. You don’t ever tell anyone that you can be friends with them when they are health. Not with a disorder like this, because of one simple fact- I will never stop being bipolar, which means I will never be “health” per se. I’m sick, and it is chronic. That shit just doesn’t disappear. I don’t think my reaction was what he was expecting, I think he honestly thought that I was going to be excite to hear from him, or that I was still the mess that I was when he knew me.

Honestly, you can’t abandon someone in their hour of need and think that you can just come back into in later like nothing happened. No apologize no nothing. Just like you didn’t make a shitty choice and cut that person deep.

Now I am not really sure how to put into words everything that happened, but to make a long story short (Too late),  I got triggered and shit went down, epically. And I took responsibility for my actions, because I did over react. I was the only person to do so. I was the one who was really sick, raw, and animalistic. And I would be the first person to admit that. I never hid that fact, but people in the situation acted like I did.

So there I was, the fresh from the hospital and a suicide attempt, losing my best friends. It was a shit situation, and I honestly will admit it still hurts. But I know that they can’t make it back in, as it will only blow up the same way. And that is really a shame.

Now I don’t think he, R, understand what he did. I think he think he does, which is why I believe me reaction of shutting him out was surprising. But he forgot one fact about me:

When I say something, I fucking mean it. I told him he didn’t get to come back, when he abandon me. That he took my word of, we aren’t friends any more, when I was spinning and all kind of fucked up, because his friend, E, pressed every button, including tell me that I wasn’t worth investing in, and that everything that had happened to me as a child was shit I should just get over, because bad things happen, while in the same breath saying that because he loved my (ex) Friend, S, and she need to be protected from me. Someone who deals with the same issues as me, was allowed to use that as an excuse to keep me out.

To E, with love. Well, with Hate I guess. But yea, fuck you if you are reading this.

 

 

Did I mention that this was over a D&D game that I wanted to leave and his wife cornered me for 4 fours, in the early morning, to talk to me about why a decision was made, when it didn’t matter, I had left? Because of a game were one rolls dice, I lost two friends. My best friends. Because, I can only guess, S was scared of me, because it was hard for her to deal with the idea that her ‘Strong’ Friend was falling apart. And that seeing how deep things were going for me, that she need to avoid me. S, well, like R, seemed to use my attempt as a way for themselves to play the victim. I don’t think they set out to do this, but it is more of a product to protect themselves. S, saw how bad my anger could get when I told her not to come and get involved because I knew she would run off, began to avoid me. Everyone made excuses for her, but the fact is that she was avoiding me. And what made it more fucked up, is she was going around saying how much she missed me, and she would ignore my calls. The sad truth is I think she keep me out of the game for her own selfish reason. She was important in this role play, and in the one we played together, I was. I was because C, who was running it, said you become important if you play the character. That he rewarded your role playing. And I role played, she didn’t. And I guess she had a problem with it. And I played bratty and bitchy characters, and she took that out of the game, so in a sense, I was punished because I played fucking characters. Which is a big whatever to me at this point.

So, this is to R, if he reads this. I would have been more willing to hear you out if you have the balls, to, in short, be a fucking adult and take responsibility. I would have spoken with you if you had done that, if you had taken ownership of your actions. I would have been more willing to look at healing our relationship. But the fact of the matter is you didn’t. You pretended you didn’t block me, which the joke is on you, I know you did. You blocked me after our last conversation.  I didn’t block you other account. I honestly don’t know why, but I expect you wouldn’t be the last one to contact me from my past. If you want to have an adult conversation about everything, I’m a little more open to that, but no promises.

-Skadi

Manic- The After Math

It has nothing to do with my post, but I love it like no ones business

 

So I came down from my episode sometime last night. It was an odd experience just because I’m usually angry all the time when manic and not happy.

I have to speak with my doctor on Thursday about what happened, but I should be okay. Worst is a change in meds. I know I posted, which is funny because I wrote it the night before but the computer crashed. I went to my therapy appointment to take which surprised my J, my therapist as most people avoid their doctors because being manic is so fun and great. It was wonderful and a bit terrifying on some level. It felt like a crime to feel that good. I ended up bailing out of a class because I couldn’t sit still.

Part of the fear was that it might never end or I would go into a deep depression. It is usually what is supposed to happen, but J said I should be fine. Time will tell.

I also wanted to share with what I wrote when I was manic in class just to give you an idea what it was like when I was up:

I can’t sit still. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my own skin. How am I going to last til 6:45? I have no idea. I’m feel like I want to climb the walls. I want to write but I’ve got nothing in my head and everything in my head. I feel like I’m going to explode.

This is the first manic episode were I have had a positive experience. I’m honestly enjoying it, which I don’t think is a good thing.

Usually When I have a manic episode, I’m a complete dick. I’m mean, and I know it, I just say things before I have a chance to control what comes out of my mouth.

I have never felt like this before. I know it isn’t a good thing, that I’m going to end up more meds and lose this feeling. It’s a bummer but I know its better for me. I’m coming down now, but it is what it is.

~Skadi

Manic

Manic. OMG I HAVE SO MUCH ENEGRY! I COULD RIP A BEAR APART WITH MY TEETH! I COULD PUNCH GOD! THIS IS SO NOT GOOD! AND IM ON MEDS SO WTF!

I know Im in an episode right now, it is freakin weird and Im not sure what the hell this crash is going to look like. Oh dear this can't be good. Think I'm looking at a huge medication change. That is gonna be interesting.


WOOOO!!!

Meme time

I was bored the other day and feeling lumpy, so I looked up a few bipolar memes just to see what would make me giggle. Here are some of the big gems:

Lived this. Still some days wonder about it.

 

 

When I was hospitalized, I went in on a Thursday night, and spend the weekend into that Monday. The first really night I was there and with the unit I spent 90% of time in, was Friday. Now the thing to understand about the hospital is that weekends have a lot less group therapy times and a lot less programs to go through, So there is more free time, so they do movie nights Friday and Saturday. (We managed to weaseled a third one Sunday because everyone was okay with us having one during a free time.) Anyways, I ended up watching Sliver Linings Playbook, which we ended up spending the rest of the time quoting and joking around with. Now I want you all to remember how that movie starts, for those who seen it. They show a Bipolar hiding not taking his medication in the first five minutes. Maybe not something people in a mental unit should be watching. Just saying.

Lamictal is on of the meds I'm on. One of its side effects is a deadly rash. Because it isn't like I have enough problems.

Did I mention that I get stress rashes sometimes? Yea, its an adventure, my life.

Just another giggle one.

This is what Prozac did for me. I couldn't really eat the first few weeks on it, then I was put on lamictal and it was EAT ALL THE THINGS!

I know people mean well when they say things like this. But this is something that I think about when these conversations start. That they have never seen my rage that is related to my bipolar. When people come over to our house that are my moms friends, I will admit, I tend to stay away. Just because it is hard to control my impulses sometimes, and I don't want to upset anyone. And sometimes I just can't handle people. This happens with my own friends too. Like yesterday, I had a panic attack before my parent's party, and had to take my Calm the shit down med. (It is a take as need med, thank god, because when I take it I pass the fuck out.) I missed 90 % of that party. Because of a med, because if I didn't take it, I would have been worse. I really don't want to turn this into a med rant, but there is a very double edge sword with meds. The meds that keep me stable, cause anxiety, and cause me to have panic attacks more often. And because I really am in the stage were we are still playing with my meds, weird shit does happen.

 I have said horrible things, like the time I told my mother that she should have had that abortion when she had the chance. I said that. To my Mother. To someone who loves me. Who would do anything for me. Who has spent tons of money to help me get control over my illness. Who dealt with my rages as a kid. And you want to know what we were fighting over? Dishes. We were fighting over the fact I haven't done the dishes. And that is the tip of the iceberg.

I know mental illness is hard to understand. That we as humans have a hard time understanding what a sickness is, when we can't see it. but the fact of the matter is I am sick. My brain sometimes over rides my thoughts with different things. Sometimes I react to things because I get triggered and I can't handle things. It is like a something takes over my thoughts.

So, in short, if you know me in real life, and I'm out in about when you are over, its because I'm comfortable with you.

Tee hee.

Fuck the guy who said this to me. Fuck him with a rusty rake.

Well, that's a few for now.
~Skadi

Crafts & Work

Work has been, ugh, I don’t know. It has been stressful/odd. I don’t really know what to think, as people are getting in trouble for talking and there are rumors going around that I’m quitting. I mean, I’m planning to, but once I get a big kid job. I giggled when I heard it. But  it’s a whatever. I’m not afraid to walk if I have too.

I haven’t really been crafting as much as I have been. I don’t know if its slowing down or if I just haven’t had the time. I hope that changes soon. It’s been the same with writing too.

It boils down to desire. I really haven’t had a desire to do these things. I feel a slowing down in myself, and I’m not sure what is causing it. It’s an odd feeling, tell the truth. I want to do some more things, I buy supplies, then do nothing with them.

There is this thing called Bi-polar shopping sprees, which happen in manic states, and I kinda fear that is what is going on with me. It’s where there is a lot of spending for no reason, and this can lead to hoarding.

I don’t like having a risk of being a hoarder but there isn’t much I can do about it. C has ADD/ADHD, which is another disorder that brings the risk. I’ve been trying to get rid of some of the extra crap we don’t need, either selling on ebay or giving it away to good will, or sending to some my cousins or sibblings will like. The problem is that I fear I might be bring more home than what I get rid of. I try to keep it in check. It’s all I can do.

-Skadi