It's Been Awhile

Things haven’t been a little crazy or anything, I just haven’t had the desire to update really. I don’t really have anything going on of note, just trying to get into the swing of things.

Had a little hiccup with my degrees so now I have to finish out the six units I missed. Let that be a lesson children, remember that you always check what people tell you. Because they lie.

July was filled with working and house sitting, which is why I didn’t really have anything to post about.

Now August is here and it is nothing but birthdays and family visits and school starting.

I have been thinking about adding things to this blog like book reviews, game reviews and random shit I like because, well, one, it’s my blog and I do what I want. And two, because my life is pretty boarding lately and I don’t want to be looking at all the shit in it every time I want to blog. Sometimes, I just want to blog about stuff. You know? Maybe throw up some creepypastas or something since I have been listening to a lot of them lately.

Just getting myself back out there.

-Skadi

A small update- Sorry I’m not interesting this week

This Week is spring break. I haven’t been doing much, working on school work and trying to get ready for what I’m going to do afterwards.

There is another nagging thought in my mind, which is about the anniversary of my attempt. It’s a few months away, but it’s still in my mind.

Mostly because I don’t know how healed I really am. That is a strange thought to me,  I’ve been working on myself, reclaiming my life, but I wonder at the speed I’m doing it in. Some days feel better than others and some feel like I’m never getting better.

I’ve stopped writing fiction. It’s been months, but I have no desire to write. I don’t know what is causing this, but I think it has something to do with my meds. IT’s a bummer but I hope its something that will pass.

But that is all I really got for today, unless one wants to hear me talk about ink master. Which all I have to say is that if I was Kyle, I would have packed my shit and left when Jay came back saying that to me. It is clear that he is not going to get a far shot. Which is bullshit being that Tattoo Baby was in the fucking bottom the whole time and they didn’t give her half as much shit that they have him.

-Skadi

Don’t Panic!

My hours at work have been cut. By a lot. I’ve been trying not to panic over it and to focus on what I can do, which has been focus on one phrase, Don’t Panic. I have read the whole hitchhiker guide to the galaxy, this is one of those things that have stuck with me. So I have been trying to remind myself every chance I get, don’t panic.

I panic a lot. I have panic attacks, so much so that now I walk around with pills in my purse to counter act them. I’ve hit a point where I can talk myself down from some of them. I can talk myself out of having panics attack. It is a talent I never wanted to have.

By having this time off work, isn’t just about losing out on cash. It gives me time to panic.  To think about my triggers and I have to busy myself in order to keep the bad crap away. Even though I’m on meds, the triggers still affect me, and my brain is still very active. The meds don’t work like magic, taking away all feelings, but it is part of the way things go. It’s hard to turn it off sometimes. It hard to keep things pushed down and locked away. While this may not be healthy at all, it is a way to cope for now.

The truth is that I’m learning to be healthy. It something to work toward, and I honesty am not sure if I will ever be that. Or if I have ever been.

My mom saw I had issues when I was young. I don’t know what started this or why she decided I needed help. The first person that I remember talking  to was Brother B. The first clear memory of him that I have is sitting in a white wall, what I assume was an office, making clay people. I don’t clearly remember what I was talking about, but I’m pretty sure that it was my family, but I’m not sure why I was there, it is too far off. This started my life of living in offices.

In high school/middle school, I grew to kinda hate therapy. I had moved on from brother B, who I was bonded with, as we had moved across country. I was on to a new therapist, who wasn’t bad but not someone I felt that I could trust. Which caused me to start lying to her. I knew what to say to make it seem like I was okay. That I was okay. I started to believe it myself. That I didn’t have to open up,  I was okay.

I wonder how much different my life would have been if I had tried at this point in time. If I had found a therapist that I had clicked with. Someone I would have been honest with and gotten the help that I needed.

But that is in the past now, and I have to move forward.

-Skadi

I thought this fit. Don't ask why.

Pride-“ When you look back at your wasted life, and you don’t see me.”

I have had an Esty shop for a while now, and have been starting to fill it with items. I have always been pretty creative, but this is the first time I am really trying to make something out of it.

It’s weird in the sense that I am taking pride in something. Surprising, possible something that people around me, is that I don’t have much pride in myself. It is something that I felt has always been an issue, since childhood, but there seems to be no way to fix it. After all, there isn’t a magic spell that just gives you pride, or a workshop that the end that just gives you the feeling that you need.

On some level, I have always felt kinda worthless. I think this really stems from the fact for most of my childhood, I bounced from a loving home to an abusive one. This seemed to have colored my whole life. My mom and Step-Dad B, have always been there for me, being the best parents to me as they could, and really worked on giving me a happy life. Then there is the other side of my life. My stepmother, the woman my mom and I would end up calling the witch with a b, was awful to me.  I don’t know what I did to make it start. When she was dating my father, things were great. My step-sister A and I were friends before they dated, and we enjoyed the idea of being sisters. It started out as something great and wonderful. But after they got married, something changed. I was an outsider. I was a spot of dirt on her clean floor. It felt that the very air I was breathing was somehow offensive to her. It was hard walking into that war zone every week. And most of the anger I have over this is too my father. The fact that he never protected me, isn’t that what a parent is supposed to do? Protect their child from thing that are trying to hurt them? Was I not worth protecting? My father never protected me from the abuse. There was a moment that he watched her shove food in my mouth and threaten to beat the shit out of me if I tried to spit it out. She held my mouth close, and let’s get one thing straight. I could have choked. She could have caused me to choke in front of my father. She told me my mother didn’t love me. One mother’s day I had gotten her and my mom the same card. I wrote mom on the one to my mom and step mom on the one to her because I had wrote them both personal notes in them and the witch with a b got upset. She wanted me to call her mom. But she wasn’t my mom. Remember asking if my mom was okay with me calling her mom, because I didn’t know what to do. She acting like I was a sexual rival for my father’s attention.

 And he let it happen. He never stood up for me. I was worthless to him too. He never stood up for me.

I would come home to my mom’s house so angry. I felt I deserved at least some of my father’s love but I was always in the back seat of his mind. I think he had the motto when it came to me, that someone else would take care of Skadi. That I wasn’t worth his time, and this shows in the fact that by the time I was ten, he had stopped paying his child support. I guess he didn’t see it worth it to make sure I had a roof over my head and food in my mouth, because my mom and my Step-dad, B, were picking up his slack. C, my Fiancé said it best, B is my dad in every damn way that counts. That brings me to my quote in the title, I think it sums up my relationship with my father completely.

And that is one of the things on my mind right now. How can I have pride in myself, when my own father doesn’t think that I’m worth it.

-Skadi