Honesty will fuck you ever time

So my new job lasted a grand total of two days. I can’t really get into what happened with the whole thing, because I honestly don’t know what happened. What I do know is that there was legal shit going on and I don’t have to be apart of it. So that is fine by me.

So the job hunt is back on, but because I changed my schedule for my other job, I have pretty much all next week off. Which is fine I guess, but I’m not sure what to do.

The other big problem is, well, I’m still waiting on my Medicaid card so I can get my meds. I’m almost down to a two week supply, and then I have nothing. Nothing to keep my brain straight and I really don’t want to ask my parents for money. I want to an adult, and not cry to my parents when I need stuff.

Things have been crazy, but I’m not really sure how to put them into words. There is something that is in the back of my mind.

I had an ex-friend contact me to find out how I was doing. And I realize how angry I still am at them.  I feel like that it wasn’t a reaching out to see how I was doing, but more of, a water testing to see how I’m doing so he could weasel back in. You don’t ever tell anyone that you can be friends with them when they are health. Not with a disorder like this, because of one simple fact- I will never stop being bipolar, which means I will never be “health” per se. I’m sick, and it is chronic. That shit just doesn’t disappear. I don’t think my reaction was what he was expecting, I think he honestly thought that I was going to be excite to hear from him, or that I was still the mess that I was when he knew me.

Honestly, you can’t abandon someone in their hour of need and think that you can just come back into in later like nothing happened. No apologize no nothing. Just like you didn’t make a shitty choice and cut that person deep.

Now I am not really sure how to put into words everything that happened, but to make a long story short (Too late),  I got triggered and shit went down, epically. And I took responsibility for my actions, because I did over react. I was the only person to do so. I was the one who was really sick, raw, and animalistic. And I would be the first person to admit that. I never hid that fact, but people in the situation acted like I did.

So there I was, the fresh from the hospital and a suicide attempt, losing my best friends. It was a shit situation, and I honestly will admit it still hurts. But I know that they can’t make it back in, as it will only blow up the same way. And that is really a shame.

Now I don’t think he, R, understand what he did. I think he think he does, which is why I believe me reaction of shutting him out was surprising. But he forgot one fact about me:

When I say something, I fucking mean it. I told him he didn’t get to come back, when he abandon me. That he took my word of, we aren’t friends any more, when I was spinning and all kind of fucked up, because his friend, E, pressed every button, including tell me that I wasn’t worth investing in, and that everything that had happened to me as a child was shit I should just get over, because bad things happen, while in the same breath saying that because he loved my (ex) Friend, S, and she need to be protected from me. Someone who deals with the same issues as me, was allowed to use that as an excuse to keep me out.

To E, with love. Well, with Hate I guess. But yea, fuck you if you are reading this.

 

 

Did I mention that this was over a D&D game that I wanted to leave and his wife cornered me for 4 fours, in the early morning, to talk to me about why a decision was made, when it didn’t matter, I had left? Because of a game were one rolls dice, I lost two friends. My best friends. Because, I can only guess, S was scared of me, because it was hard for her to deal with the idea that her ‘Strong’ Friend was falling apart. And that seeing how deep things were going for me, that she need to avoid me. S, well, like R, seemed to use my attempt as a way for themselves to play the victim. I don’t think they set out to do this, but it is more of a product to protect themselves. S, saw how bad my anger could get when I told her not to come and get involved because I knew she would run off, began to avoid me. Everyone made excuses for her, but the fact is that she was avoiding me. And what made it more fucked up, is she was going around saying how much she missed me, and she would ignore my calls. The sad truth is I think she keep me out of the game for her own selfish reason. She was important in this role play, and in the one we played together, I was. I was because C, who was running it, said you become important if you play the character. That he rewarded your role playing. And I role played, she didn’t. And I guess she had a problem with it. And I played bratty and bitchy characters, and she took that out of the game, so in a sense, I was punished because I played fucking characters. Which is a big whatever to me at this point.

So, this is to R, if he reads this. I would have been more willing to hear you out if you have the balls, to, in short, be a fucking adult and take responsibility. I would have spoken with you if you had done that, if you had taken ownership of your actions. I would have been more willing to look at healing our relationship. But the fact of the matter is you didn’t. You pretended you didn’t block me, which the joke is on you, I know you did. You blocked me after our last conversation.  I didn’t block you other account. I honestly don’t know why, but I expect you wouldn’t be the last one to contact me from my past. If you want to have an adult conversation about everything, I’m a little more open to that, but no promises.

-Skadi

Well, this is a thing

This week has been all over the place emotional. My aunt B tried to kill herself.  It’s six days before my anniversary of the attempt. I got a new job that I will be started soon, once my back ground check is done. I’m growing up and out. But there are some things I want to talk about.

Everyone says that suicide is a selfish act. The fact is, I don’t believe it is. I think that ignoring the signs are the selfish act itself. It is easy for us to say things like that when love ones attempt or to think it when we hear about it. But here is the fact of the matter, suicide is so much deeper than what is on the surface. We aren’t talking about people with healthy brains. We aren’t talking about health people when these things happen. My aunt B is a lot like me. She has been fighting depression all her life. And as I have said before, depression isn’t like what people think it is. It isn’t just being sad. It is something almost unexplainable, but will try.

Imagine that you are on a battlefield, not a modern one, but an ancient one, sword in hand, fighting a never ending battle between enemies. They just keep coming, and they are relentless in their attacks, breaking you down.  Now think about their faces, they are one that you know well. You know every ridge of their face, it is all burned into your mind. It’s your own face. You are fighting yourself. And you just keep coming. And you know your weakness, how to strike yourself down as perfectly as you can. And you can’t stop it. It just keeps coming. So you fall, because there is only so much a person can take. It just keeps coming.

I’m still depressed. I fight it everyday. And it has been almost three years. Three years of fighting. Last year, as I was nearing my second year, I couldn’t see the worth in fighting it any more. And since I build this blog on honestly, I spend most days looking for a reason to still fight. The truth it, I don’t know if it is worth it. I know we humans like to think we have a wonderful and privileged place in the universe, but the truth is we are like every other animal on this planet. We all have the same three drives, food, water, and breeding. That is what we do. Is there really a purpose too it all? I don’t know. I would like to think there is, but the truth is that I don’t know. I feel we spend our lives filling it up with things, and are really just passing time around.

Those are the thoughts I have. A lot. And with that kind of thinking, it becomes a why get better.

As some of you know, I post these on my facebook, for those I know to read. I have gotten messages I haven’t put here that sometimes burn into my mind. I don’t want to go into what has been said to me, but I know there are a lot of people out there that have these feelings, and I wonder who on my friendlist haven’t  spoken up.  There are also things that have been things said, not on facebook, but over the course of my life that makes me wonder if people truly understand what goes on in the mind of depressed people. It isn’t that I don’t want to be happy.  I would love to be happy. I was once told I was middle class and white, so what problems do I really have. Maybe I don’t have problems like some people do, maybe it can be seen that I’m just doing this for attention, but the fact of the matter is this is my life. This is something I have to live with. My life is a war and sometimes I don’t see if it is work living, and sometimes not even the love from the people around me seems worth it.  I also get driven nuts by the people who don’t, and have never experiences depression try to give advice. Really, these people need to shut the fuck up. You aren’t helping by belittling my disorder. I understand that you aren’t trying to do this, but by saying things like, oh, you know when I get really sad, I just eat a bowl of ice cream and feel better. Really, if you think that it would work for me, that I wouldn’t have to deal with that. Seriously, this is a huge slap in the face. Oh you got sad when your dog died? Well, I haven’t  showered in six days because I have a big, why the fuck bother, since I didn’t do it the day before. I’m sorry if this comes off a bit angry, but you need to understand that your sadness has a reason, my fucking doesn’t often.  So they are nowhere near the same.

I know this is a rant, and I can’t really end it, but I’m done at the moment, and feel this is a good spot to end.

-Skadi

Well, it's been a while

Well, let’s start from the top I guess. I’m 26, and sometimes I wonder if I have really come that far in my recovery. I don’t know that I have come far or at all. There is some times were there is nothing in my head, or things I can’t control that drive me mad with worry. There is not much that I can do. It is just playing with meds and playing with meds. Going to therapy. My life has fallen into a pattern and I just can’t that I can’t control what they are doing.  I’m not sure if I’m getting better or not because I really have no way to measure if I am or not. But it is what it is I guess.

It is in my head the closer I get to my anniversary date as well. I would like to say those thoughts have completely left me, but I don't want to lie to you all. I can't lie. Some days I wish that I had been successful, and I wish that those days were becoming few and farer between, but the truth is that it is about the same. Hopefully it will get better.

I had an interview this morning and I’m starting a new job come Monday. I really don’t know how my life is going to go now, but I suppose it is a start.

I just feel tired all the time tell the truth. But I will try to be more interesting.

Some things are just what they are.

-Skadi