Well, this is a thing

This week has been all over the place emotional. My aunt B tried to kill herself.  It’s six days before my anniversary of the attempt. I got a new job that I will be started soon, once my back ground check is done. I’m growing up and out. But there are some things I want to talk about.

Everyone says that suicide is a selfish act. The fact is, I don’t believe it is. I think that ignoring the signs are the selfish act itself. It is easy for us to say things like that when love ones attempt or to think it when we hear about it. But here is the fact of the matter, suicide is so much deeper than what is on the surface. We aren’t talking about people with healthy brains. We aren’t talking about health people when these things happen. My aunt B is a lot like me. She has been fighting depression all her life. And as I have said before, depression isn’t like what people think it is. It isn’t just being sad. It is something almost unexplainable, but will try.

Imagine that you are on a battlefield, not a modern one, but an ancient one, sword in hand, fighting a never ending battle between enemies. They just keep coming, and they are relentless in their attacks, breaking you down.  Now think about their faces, they are one that you know well. You know every ridge of their face, it is all burned into your mind. It’s your own face. You are fighting yourself. And you just keep coming. And you know your weakness, how to strike yourself down as perfectly as you can. And you can’t stop it. It just keeps coming. So you fall, because there is only so much a person can take. It just keeps coming.

I’m still depressed. I fight it everyday. And it has been almost three years. Three years of fighting. Last year, as I was nearing my second year, I couldn’t see the worth in fighting it any more. And since I build this blog on honestly, I spend most days looking for a reason to still fight. The truth it, I don’t know if it is worth it. I know we humans like to think we have a wonderful and privileged place in the universe, but the truth is we are like every other animal on this planet. We all have the same three drives, food, water, and breeding. That is what we do. Is there really a purpose too it all? I don’t know. I would like to think there is, but the truth is that I don’t know. I feel we spend our lives filling it up with things, and are really just passing time around.

Those are the thoughts I have. A lot. And with that kind of thinking, it becomes a why get better.

As some of you know, I post these on my facebook, for those I know to read. I have gotten messages I haven’t put here that sometimes burn into my mind. I don’t want to go into what has been said to me, but I know there are a lot of people out there that have these feelings, and I wonder who on my friendlist haven’t  spoken up.  There are also things that have been things said, not on facebook, but over the course of my life that makes me wonder if people truly understand what goes on in the mind of depressed people. It isn’t that I don’t want to be happy.  I would love to be happy. I was once told I was middle class and white, so what problems do I really have. Maybe I don’t have problems like some people do, maybe it can be seen that I’m just doing this for attention, but the fact of the matter is this is my life. This is something I have to live with. My life is a war and sometimes I don’t see if it is work living, and sometimes not even the love from the people around me seems worth it.  I also get driven nuts by the people who don’t, and have never experiences depression try to give advice. Really, these people need to shut the fuck up. You aren’t helping by belittling my disorder. I understand that you aren’t trying to do this, but by saying things like, oh, you know when I get really sad, I just eat a bowl of ice cream and feel better. Really, if you think that it would work for me, that I wouldn’t have to deal with that. Seriously, this is a huge slap in the face. Oh you got sad when your dog died? Well, I haven’t  showered in six days because I have a big, why the fuck bother, since I didn’t do it the day before. I’m sorry if this comes off a bit angry, but you need to understand that your sadness has a reason, my fucking doesn’t often.  So they are nowhere near the same.

I know this is a rant, and I can’t really end it, but I’m done at the moment, and feel this is a good spot to end.

-Skadi