OMG, One more to go.

I only have one more final to go, and then the job hunt begins. There is no rest for the wicked.

I spent my morning at the DMV, to replaced a lost ID....And sure as shit the one I lost was in my mail box when I go home.

 

I was not that amused, but at least I have my id for when I go to St. Louis on the 24th.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the difference between a health person and a mental ill person when it comes to context with words. Someone on my facebook the other day made a comment about something that was really mundane and that it was depressing....

This rubbed me the wrong way. I know that it wasn't their fault at all, so I didn't say anything. But this is something we need to think about. That words have power outside of just the small things that we think about.

True depression is hard to describe. It is the feeling that no matter what, you are always going to be shit. That everything you do is shit. That everyone thinks you are shit and don't want to tell you. That they can't stand you, that there is something that you can't see that is attached to you. You just want to hid. To protect people from even having to be in your presence, because of how disgusting you are. It is not, Starbucks getting your latte wrong when you are having a bad day. It is being told that a person regrets ever meeting you.

 

Okay, I'm going to bed now, because I don't have the energy to stand or continue this rant.

Almost done with Finals.

I just turned in my second of four finals. Dear god, I don't know how I'm going to get through some of this. So close, and yet so far away.

I know how I haven't been writing that much here, as school it taking a front seat.

And don't feel too bad for me. I get a break at the DMV.

I know I should be working on other things but...

I’m down to two papers, a presentation, and one final. Then I’m done. It is so hard to think I’m that close and that I am going to be done so soon.

This weekend was a whirlwind. First, Friday I went over to my friends and we filmed our new youtube show, Pin Trashed. So Yea, I’m still not going to flat out name peeps in my blog, but I do get called by my name in that. Not a big deal I feel. That was after I worked eight hours, and with the med dose raise, I feel that all I could do was sleep. So while that was fun, the med dose raise has not been.

Saturday was derby, were I drank like crazy and won three pots full of money. That was a blast. And got to spend a lot of time with people, and then we watched the fight. So it all and all was a pretty good day.

Then we went to faire, which, for the most part, was a blast. I forgot my id and card at one of the venders along with a gift for my mom, but hopefully they will mail it to me. And I almost had a panic attack but didn’t. And we were able to get C a new doublet. He has had one for over 15 years and it was time to replace it. He looks great in it but I was trying to get him to buy a kilt. Because I think he looked good in it.

So that is what has been going on for the most part. I will try and do a better update later, but I honestly don’t think I will have the time.

-Skadi

Drowning in School Work.

I feel like I’m fighting a battle that is never done, and running out of time all over the place. It is a bit madding, but there isn’t much that I can do about it.

I have three more papers, two more exams and two presentations in the next two weeks.

It is so close I can taste it, and yet so far I feel that it will never happen. I’m working on things in other classes for other classes, trying to get it all done and I feel like I just can’t.

I’m pretty burned out and trying to get it all done is just too much.

I can’t wait for 24^th. Then I’m on vacation and free.

Then it is looking for big kid jobs.

It just never ends does it?

-Skadi

P.s. I was about apart of this craziness.

www.youtube.com/user/pintrashed

Manic- The After Math

It has nothing to do with my post, but I love it like no ones business

 

So I came down from my episode sometime last night. It was an odd experience just because I’m usually angry all the time when manic and not happy.

I have to speak with my doctor on Thursday about what happened, but I should be okay. Worst is a change in meds. I know I posted, which is funny because I wrote it the night before but the computer crashed. I went to my therapy appointment to take which surprised my J, my therapist as most people avoid their doctors because being manic is so fun and great. It was wonderful and a bit terrifying on some level. It felt like a crime to feel that good. I ended up bailing out of a class because I couldn’t sit still.

Part of the fear was that it might never end or I would go into a deep depression. It is usually what is supposed to happen, but J said I should be fine. Time will tell.

I also wanted to share with what I wrote when I was manic in class just to give you an idea what it was like when I was up:

I can’t sit still. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my own skin. How am I going to last til 6:45? I have no idea. I’m feel like I want to climb the walls. I want to write but I’ve got nothing in my head and everything in my head. I feel like I’m going to explode.

This is the first manic episode were I have had a positive experience. I’m honestly enjoying it, which I don’t think is a good thing.

Usually When I have a manic episode, I’m a complete dick. I’m mean, and I know it, I just say things before I have a chance to control what comes out of my mouth.

I have never felt like this before. I know it isn’t a good thing, that I’m going to end up more meds and lose this feeling. It’s a bummer but I know its better for me. I’m coming down now, but it is what it is.

~Skadi

Manic

Manic. OMG I HAVE SO MUCH ENEGRY! I COULD RIP A BEAR APART WITH MY TEETH! I COULD PUNCH GOD! THIS IS SO NOT GOOD! AND IM ON MEDS SO WTF!

I know Im in an episode right now, it is freakin weird and Im not sure what the hell this crash is going to look like. Oh dear this can't be good. Think I'm looking at a huge medication change. That is gonna be interesting.


WOOOO!!!

Meme time

I was bored the other day and feeling lumpy, so I looked up a few bipolar memes just to see what would make me giggle. Here are some of the big gems:

Lived this. Still some days wonder about it.

 

 

When I was hospitalized, I went in on a Thursday night, and spend the weekend into that Monday. The first really night I was there and with the unit I spent 90% of time in, was Friday. Now the thing to understand about the hospital is that weekends have a lot less group therapy times and a lot less programs to go through, So there is more free time, so they do movie nights Friday and Saturday. (We managed to weaseled a third one Sunday because everyone was okay with us having one during a free time.) Anyways, I ended up watching Sliver Linings Playbook, which we ended up spending the rest of the time quoting and joking around with. Now I want you all to remember how that movie starts, for those who seen it. They show a Bipolar hiding not taking his medication in the first five minutes. Maybe not something people in a mental unit should be watching. Just saying.

Lamictal is on of the meds I'm on. One of its side effects is a deadly rash. Because it isn't like I have enough problems.

Did I mention that I get stress rashes sometimes? Yea, its an adventure, my life.

Just another giggle one.

This is what Prozac did for me. I couldn't really eat the first few weeks on it, then I was put on lamictal and it was EAT ALL THE THINGS!

I know people mean well when they say things like this. But this is something that I think about when these conversations start. That they have never seen my rage that is related to my bipolar. When people come over to our house that are my moms friends, I will admit, I tend to stay away. Just because it is hard to control my impulses sometimes, and I don't want to upset anyone. And sometimes I just can't handle people. This happens with my own friends too. Like yesterday, I had a panic attack before my parent's party, and had to take my Calm the shit down med. (It is a take as need med, thank god, because when I take it I pass the fuck out.) I missed 90 % of that party. Because of a med, because if I didn't take it, I would have been worse. I really don't want to turn this into a med rant, but there is a very double edge sword with meds. The meds that keep me stable, cause anxiety, and cause me to have panic attacks more often. And because I really am in the stage were we are still playing with my meds, weird shit does happen.

 I have said horrible things, like the time I told my mother that she should have had that abortion when she had the chance. I said that. To my Mother. To someone who loves me. Who would do anything for me. Who has spent tons of money to help me get control over my illness. Who dealt with my rages as a kid. And you want to know what we were fighting over? Dishes. We were fighting over the fact I haven't done the dishes. And that is the tip of the iceberg.

I know mental illness is hard to understand. That we as humans have a hard time understanding what a sickness is, when we can't see it. but the fact of the matter is I am sick. My brain sometimes over rides my thoughts with different things. Sometimes I react to things because I get triggered and I can't handle things. It is like a something takes over my thoughts.

So, in short, if you know me in real life, and I'm out in about when you are over, its because I'm comfortable with you.

Tee hee.

Fuck the guy who said this to me. Fuck him with a rusty rake.

Well, that's a few for now.
~Skadi