Drowning in School Work.

I feel like I’m fighting a battle that is never done, and running out of time all over the place. It is a bit madding, but there isn’t much that I can do about it.

I have three more papers, two more exams and two presentations in the next two weeks.

It is so close I can taste it, and yet so far I feel that it will never happen. I’m working on things in other classes for other classes, trying to get it all done and I feel like I just can’t.

I’m pretty burned out and trying to get it all done is just too much.

I can’t wait for 24^th. Then I’m on vacation and free.

Then it is looking for big kid jobs.

It just never ends does it?

-Skadi

P.s. I was about apart of this craziness.

www.youtube.com/user/pintrashed

Manic- The After Math

It has nothing to do with my post, but I love it like no ones business

 

So I came down from my episode sometime last night. It was an odd experience just because I’m usually angry all the time when manic and not happy.

I have to speak with my doctor on Thursday about what happened, but I should be okay. Worst is a change in meds. I know I posted, which is funny because I wrote it the night before but the computer crashed. I went to my therapy appointment to take which surprised my J, my therapist as most people avoid their doctors because being manic is so fun and great. It was wonderful and a bit terrifying on some level. It felt like a crime to feel that good. I ended up bailing out of a class because I couldn’t sit still.

Part of the fear was that it might never end or I would go into a deep depression. It is usually what is supposed to happen, but J said I should be fine. Time will tell.

I also wanted to share with what I wrote when I was manic in class just to give you an idea what it was like when I was up:

I can’t sit still. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my own skin. How am I going to last til 6:45? I have no idea. I’m feel like I want to climb the walls. I want to write but I’ve got nothing in my head and everything in my head. I feel like I’m going to explode.

This is the first manic episode were I have had a positive experience. I’m honestly enjoying it, which I don’t think is a good thing.

Usually When I have a manic episode, I’m a complete dick. I’m mean, and I know it, I just say things before I have a chance to control what comes out of my mouth.

I have never felt like this before. I know it isn’t a good thing, that I’m going to end up more meds and lose this feeling. It’s a bummer but I know its better for me. I’m coming down now, but it is what it is.

~Skadi

Manic

Manic. OMG I HAVE SO MUCH ENEGRY! I COULD RIP A BEAR APART WITH MY TEETH! I COULD PUNCH GOD! THIS IS SO NOT GOOD! AND IM ON MEDS SO WTF!

I know Im in an episode right now, it is freakin weird and Im not sure what the hell this crash is going to look like. Oh dear this can't be good. Think I'm looking at a huge medication change. That is gonna be interesting.


WOOOO!!!

Meme time

I was bored the other day and feeling lumpy, so I looked up a few bipolar memes just to see what would make me giggle. Here are some of the big gems:

Lived this. Still some days wonder about it.

 

 

When I was hospitalized, I went in on a Thursday night, and spend the weekend into that Monday. The first really night I was there and with the unit I spent 90% of time in, was Friday. Now the thing to understand about the hospital is that weekends have a lot less group therapy times and a lot less programs to go through, So there is more free time, so they do movie nights Friday and Saturday. (We managed to weaseled a third one Sunday because everyone was okay with us having one during a free time.) Anyways, I ended up watching Sliver Linings Playbook, which we ended up spending the rest of the time quoting and joking around with. Now I want you all to remember how that movie starts, for those who seen it. They show a Bipolar hiding not taking his medication in the first five minutes. Maybe not something people in a mental unit should be watching. Just saying.

Lamictal is on of the meds I'm on. One of its side effects is a deadly rash. Because it isn't like I have enough problems.

Did I mention that I get stress rashes sometimes? Yea, its an adventure, my life.

Just another giggle one.

This is what Prozac did for me. I couldn't really eat the first few weeks on it, then I was put on lamictal and it was EAT ALL THE THINGS!

I know people mean well when they say things like this. But this is something that I think about when these conversations start. That they have never seen my rage that is related to my bipolar. When people come over to our house that are my moms friends, I will admit, I tend to stay away. Just because it is hard to control my impulses sometimes, and I don't want to upset anyone. And sometimes I just can't handle people. This happens with my own friends too. Like yesterday, I had a panic attack before my parent's party, and had to take my Calm the shit down med. (It is a take as need med, thank god, because when I take it I pass the fuck out.) I missed 90 % of that party. Because of a med, because if I didn't take it, I would have been worse. I really don't want to turn this into a med rant, but there is a very double edge sword with meds. The meds that keep me stable, cause anxiety, and cause me to have panic attacks more often. And because I really am in the stage were we are still playing with my meds, weird shit does happen.

 I have said horrible things, like the time I told my mother that she should have had that abortion when she had the chance. I said that. To my Mother. To someone who loves me. Who would do anything for me. Who has spent tons of money to help me get control over my illness. Who dealt with my rages as a kid. And you want to know what we were fighting over? Dishes. We were fighting over the fact I haven't done the dishes. And that is the tip of the iceberg.

I know mental illness is hard to understand. That we as humans have a hard time understanding what a sickness is, when we can't see it. but the fact of the matter is I am sick. My brain sometimes over rides my thoughts with different things. Sometimes I react to things because I get triggered and I can't handle things. It is like a something takes over my thoughts.

So, in short, if you know me in real life, and I'm out in about when you are over, its because I'm comfortable with you.

Tee hee.

Fuck the guy who said this to me. Fuck him with a rusty rake.

Well, that's a few for now.
~Skadi

Crafts & Work

Work has been, ugh, I don’t know. It has been stressful/odd. I don’t really know what to think, as people are getting in trouble for talking and there are rumors going around that I’m quitting. I mean, I’m planning to, but once I get a big kid job. I giggled when I heard it. But  it’s a whatever. I’m not afraid to walk if I have too.

I haven’t really been crafting as much as I have been. I don’t know if its slowing down or if I just haven’t had the time. I hope that changes soon. It’s been the same with writing too.

It boils down to desire. I really haven’t had a desire to do these things. I feel a slowing down in myself, and I’m not sure what is causing it. It’s an odd feeling, tell the truth. I want to do some more things, I buy supplies, then do nothing with them.

There is this thing called Bi-polar shopping sprees, which happen in manic states, and I kinda fear that is what is going on with me. It’s where there is a lot of spending for no reason, and this can lead to hoarding.

I don’t like having a risk of being a hoarder but there isn’t much I can do about it. C has ADD/ADHD, which is another disorder that brings the risk. I’ve been trying to get rid of some of the extra crap we don’t need, either selling on ebay or giving it away to good will, or sending to some my cousins or sibblings will like. The problem is that I fear I might be bring more home than what I get rid of. I try to keep it in check. It’s all I can do.

-Skadi

 

just a little check in.

I really am not ready for this week. I know its bad, but I’m over school. It’s my last semester, last month, and I’ve really just been going through the motions and I know that I’ve been hurting myself in the long run. And I know why.

As my anniversary of the attempt is hanging out in my mind, I’ve been thinking about death. It is blending in my head and it becomes a question if I really have gotten farther from the point in my life, or if I’m just going through the motions. I've been thinking about friends that I’ve lost. I haven’t talked about it on this blog because of 2 reasons one, part of me doesn’t want to put them on blast for their choices since we do have friends that we share, and two, I’m still not honestly sure what happened aside from people wanting to fix me.

I was going to write more about what is going on, but I think it is best to make sure that I don’t go into it.

-Skadi

A small update- Sorry I’m not interesting this week

This Week is spring break. I haven’t been doing much, working on school work and trying to get ready for what I’m going to do afterwards.

There is another nagging thought in my mind, which is about the anniversary of my attempt. It’s a few months away, but it’s still in my mind.

Mostly because I don’t know how healed I really am. That is a strange thought to me,  I’ve been working on myself, reclaiming my life, but I wonder at the speed I’m doing it in. Some days feel better than others and some feel like I’m never getting better.

I’ve stopped writing fiction. It’s been months, but I have no desire to write. I don’t know what is causing this, but I think it has something to do with my meds. IT’s a bummer but I hope its something that will pass.

But that is all I really got for today, unless one wants to hear me talk about ink master. Which all I have to say is that if I was Kyle, I would have packed my shit and left when Jay came back saying that to me. It is clear that he is not going to get a far shot. Which is bullshit being that Tattoo Baby was in the fucking bottom the whole time and they didn’t give her half as much shit that they have him.

-Skadi

Seven Years-Let the good times roll

Tomorrow my Fiancé will have been together for seven years. Its been a hell of a road. Just in the past two years, we have gone through a suicide attempt, a lost job, my diagnoses just to name a few. He is a amazing, staying strong through all this. On some level I feel like I don’t diverse him, because of this level of commitment. I honestly don’t know how he handled this, when I’m not sure I could handle it myself.

Soon, we will be moving on in our lives, hopeful me getting what I call a big kid job, us moving out of my parents’ house in at least the next six months, (my mom will be happy to read that) and myself graduating with two degrees in May. (Being that I will be turning 26 and all, it’s about damn time.)

I can’t wait for out future, I can’t wait for us to put our dreams together and make them from.

I can’t wait to see what the next seven years do.

-Skadi

Back Bends- Do or Do Not, There is No Try

Today, I did my first ever back bend. I’ve been trying to get into more actives and out more. So Yoga has become an outlet.

I’m not good at all. This is a fact I have accepted. But I do my best and  try to do the poses. I’ve noticed I fail at telling the difference between right and left. Or extending and redracting. But I get into it. The fact is, I’m what I always am in these situtations.

The clown. I don’t try to be, but it happens. I want to be the adult but can’t seem to pull it off.

But let me come back to the back bends. I have never been able to do it. I don’t understand why this is, but I used to think it was because I  lacked the ablity.

Today was different, I had help. The instructor had me holds his ankles and then it happened. I did the bend for the first time. It felt wonderful.

It made me want to ask for help more often.

-Skadi